Things I'm afraid to tell you

I've been thinking about something lately. And then yesterday as I was catching up on all my favorite blogs, I noticed a couple of them (Sage & Berries and Creature Comforts) brought up just the topic I had been thinking about. Jess from Make Under My Life did a very brave thing - she posted the things she is afraid to tell her readers. On her blog. For everyone to read.

I've also been following Erin from Carosello (previously Sunshine & Carousels) who recently posted about Blogging, Self Confidence and Body Insecurities as she vowed to share more photos of herself on her blog. I admired her courage and love her outfit posts. She is a beautiful girl and it's so nice to see cute outfits on a body that is closer to my own.

Opps. I just let secret #1 out of the bag. More on that later.

Here's the thing: I haven't been blogging much lately for a few reasons. I've just been busy, not as good at remembering my camera, and I haven't had as much "crafty stuff" going on. I got into the habit of thinking I could only post the pretty & the perfect. It's a lot of pressure to share something pretty and perfect on a daily basis.

My blog is just a piece of me and a piece of my life. It's about holidays and parties and baking and happy things. But lately I feel like it's missing something. There are certain things that I omit from my blog, simply because I don't have a good photo, or don't think it's relevant, or because I simply don't want to talk about it. I guess it always will be that way, to some extent -- after all, I signed up for a Blogger account, not reality TV. But still, I think it would be nice to share more bits of my personal life - even if they are messy or poorly photographed. So I am accepting Ez's challenge to try to be more "real" and to start by posting the things I'm afraid to tell you.

So here it goes...

I'm not skinny. You probably guessed, but I never came right out and said it. I haven't been thin in years and every time I try, I let "life" get in the way. I work to please others so much that I don't take the time to take care of myself. I get so wrapped up in trying to finish projects and stage perfect pictures or plan the perfect party or craft show, etc. etc. and I always tell myself that I'll get healthy after that one thing is over and done with and I finally have the time. But something else always comes along.

I'm finally learning to say no. I have tons of ideas for businesses and groups and events that I'd love to pursue but I have to tell myself to slow down because none of those things can happen if I don't take care of myself.

I've lost 45 pounds and I'm not always usually so proud of that fact. I like who I am on the inside and even though I know that losing weight is going to make me healthier and more confident and allow me to be more active, a part of me feels like a hack because I should love myself the way I am. I am fine with people telling me I look great but please don't tell me how bad I was looking before or that "I look so cute NOW." I'm still the same person. I never hated myself, I liked who I was. At the same time, I have unrealistic expectations of myself. No matter how much I lose, I am disappointed in myself for not losing more. Sometimes I look in the mirror and I am happy with where my body is right now. You can start to see muscle tone again. I feel healthy. I remember that I actually do like exercise. It's not easy to allow myself to be proud of my accomplishments. But I'm trying.

I'm 33 and still don't feel like a grown up. I can't seem to shake the idea that I don't have to have all my ducks in a row in order to get married or start a family. I always feel like there is something in my life that I'm still "working on" and I can't move on to the next phase of my life just yet. I saw The Five Year Engagement recently, and besides being hilariously funny, the movie resonated with me. There is never going to be a perfect time. You just do it. As the sister in the movie says (in Elmo voice) "There is no perfect cookie, just pick one and take a bite!"

I left my boyfriend of 11 years in January of 2011 and moved into an apartment by myself. Although we are back together and have worked though most of our issues, I will never regret what I did. I had never lived on my own before and it is an experience I was meant to have. Now I know I can stand on my own two feet. I know that I am with him not because I am afraid to be without him but because I WANT to be with him. One of the biggest lessons I've learned is to ask for what you want. You can't blame the other person for ignoring your needs when they don't know what your needs are.

I suck at forgiving. I think I'm pretty lenient on the number of chances I give people. Cross me three times (sometimes more) and you're done (cut out of my life). I can be the ultimate ice queen. And I won't always tell you why either.

My day job isn't all that creative. I don't blog full time. I don't get to craft or design on a daily basis. Most days I get home and I don't even want to turn on my computer. And between work and the gym and family and friends and boyfriend time, I don't get a lot of opportunities to be creative anymore. BUT creativity and design and making will always be a huge part of who I am. If nothing else, I have blog-land to keep me feeling connected to those things until I have more time to actually pursue them.

I am a control freak. After reading other bloggers' Things I am afraid to tell you posts, I realize I am not the only one! I can be OCD about certain things. God help you if you touch my stuff because I'll know if it's been moved an inch. I rarely ask for other people's opinions because I know I'm just going to choose what I want anyway. I sometimes usually have the urge to re-arrange (or clean) other people's homes, although I refrain (most of the time). I sometimes zero in on tiny imperfections and have trouble seeing the whole picture.

Sometimes I'm rude without meaning to be. I may forget your name or to introduce you to my friend or I might forget to offer you a beverage -- but I swear it's not intentional. It's just that I can be a bit scatter brained, especially in social situations.

I'm not really the life of The Party. I am really just quiet and shy and awkward. Jaymi says her first impression of me was that I didn't like her. Not true at all! I am just quiet and awkward until I get to know you. My close friends think I am The Party though, and that's all that really matters.

Halfway through this post I had a mini panic attack and almost hit delete. But now that I am at the end, I feel kind of relieved.

All those pretty pictures are fun to look at but it's so easy to forget that nobody is perfect. Bloggers make mistakes and have faults and go through hard times, just like everybody. I'm going to make an effort to share more of my "real life" in between pretty posts because it's those un-perfect moments, those trials and tribulations, that make us the beautiful beings that we are.


Alma said...

I must say I loved this post and I found it refreshing as opposed to other blogs. In my opinion your post is way better than MML. You sound real, she sounds like petty and complaining. I don't usually write anything negative but as long as we are being honest... yours is far better and relatable. I have many of the same issues and insecurities... Bravo Amy! I follow blogs that aren't "pretty" or nauseatingly crafty.

lauren said...

This post is awesome! You are The Party in my book. I think you and I, despite being in different phases of life, are very similar. I love that you're my friend. You can clean or rearrange my home anytime.

San said...

You sound pretty normal to me and don't have to be ashamed of any of this stuff.... :)

erin wilson said...

What!! You are so sweet for sharing my post and guess what I LOVE you even more for sharing your own battle with self confidence. Thank you for sharing.

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